demoralized, hooray!

I had a dream that I was at an herbal event, in a barn packed to the rafters with eager female faces. I was on the schedule to speak, but instead a woman was lecturing about the various chemotypes of mint essential oils and passing around samples to sniff. I interrupted her to say that this was supposed to be my time slot. She brushed me off, saying that what she had to say was more interesting. I stood up and said “let’s let them decide.” As I began to explain what I had planned to talk about, I couldn’t make my voice loud enough to be heard. People began filing out until about half of them had left. I looked around and could only find three people eager to hear my lesson. The rest wanted the other woman to continue. I accepted that people don’t want to hear what I have to say and awoke demoralized.

Then I took an epsom salt bath and felt better. I went for a walk and thought about my complicated feelings about teaching and self-expression, finding a voice and my footing, and about magnesium and about mental health and herbalism and how much more I still need to untangle and write about. I love the format of hyperlinks and the blog, because I’ll be able to go back and expand each of those topics into its own post in the future. I guess I moved overseas to uproot myself and see what would happen, what I would learn, to try to expect the unexpected and stay open. Or maybe more than uprooting it is going to seed and starting over. Everyone said that if you move overseas at some point you will crack. Hooray, it’s happened a little! My seed-coat has split open. What seems to be emerging from this sprouting is an interest in what they call in German Vergangenheitsbew√§ltigung, or the struggle to cope with the past. More later, most absorb sunlight and grow…

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